Posts tagged brits

Viva Las Vegas

Well this post has been delayed for quite some time, but here it is… Vegas. Vegas ,as you probably know, is this neon shit hole in the middle of the desert. My advice to truly seize Vegas and have a good experience, in an overpriced shit hole full of silicone tits is to go there with seven British drunkards… and do so in a penthouse. 

The first night though we stayed at the Wild Wild West (the pool was used in the Hangover). On the ride over though my friend Nick got a call and the plan was to got to a “friend” of his house. This friend though, of course, was a stripper with a mansion and I had plans to meet up with another friend and said I didn’t want to go. Yeah, that didn’t fly. Long story short that didn’t work out we went separte ways in the night, and then I get that drunken phone call. Its Nick, shit went down and that was all I knew till I got back to the Wild Wild West. That was the longest walk of my life because Vegas does not believe in pedestrian friendly roads, but I arrive 3 hours late drenched in sweat to find out that Nick had a black eye and a busted lip and Joe had some cracked ribs. Miss a night, you miss a lot. These stooges fought some Aussies (by some I mean a lot. You should see the other guys, kinda thing I’m sure) after good Ol’ Doctor Simpson decided it was a good idea. Of course, Dr. Simpson escaped untouched.

This was just the start of a week of debauchery. Just pure rock star mentality. For some reason or another staying in penthouse room, made us worse, we all felt entitled to everything. But the first night at the penthouse started like any other night, with matchbox and other drinking games (actually a more accurate description would be drinking completions). After doing, so the mayhem began. Since we originally only having two days in the penthouse, we woke up on our “last night” all looking like our dog died, we wound up staying 3 extra nights there. Also since it was all a blur let’s talking about some highlights of the dunken shit fest of Vegas.

First Vegas hates guys if you want to go anywhere have tits (ei. a DeadMou5 show was $50 for girls, $200 for guys). So yeah I got into Club Moon nice view, but clubbing really isn’t for me and it’s hard to get drunk when you have to pay 11 bucks a drink. The best times were the drunken bromance moments at the penthouse or just wandering the streets late night in a drunken stumble. 

Whether it was soliciting prostitution (I’ll negotiate with my dick!!) or prostitutes soliciting us (Hi, is Brenden there? On a daily basis). Joe telling the escorts they don’t know who they are messing with. People asking me where I got my accent from. Laughing a midgets being escorted by long-legged blondes. Eating food off other peoples room service trays (we actually found some very nice stuff). Wondering who took the Vodka from the Mini bar. Having slags over (some blowing one and then getting kissed by the other). Walking around in our penthouse robes (you better believe I nicked one). Hot tub drinking. Having an entourage (you heard the man). Drunken Street Drumming. Tribal Dances. Decapitations. Well… basically turning our room… wait I mean penthouse, into a war zone (instead of grenades and clips, it was beer cans and condoms. Well hopefully someone used them for something other than water balloons.)

This list could go on and on, but due to copious amounts of drinking, me taking forever to write this, and copious amounts of drinking, I’m going to let some pictures do some talking. Long story short, the stay in Vegas of fucking intense, but in the words of a simple man named Nick, on our last night in the penthouse, he looks at me quite sadly and says, “I don’t wanna go to sleep, then its over.”

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DETOX - in New Mexico

Well after copious amounts of drinking in Austin, Me and 6 Brits took off after the playoff game. Ol’ Blue following Big Red through the badlands of Texas in the night to New Mexico. We decided to to go camp in the mountains of Santa Fe because we heard of some hot springs up there and wanted detox for Vegas.

Well we get there at the KOA, I nap, wake up, eat, then some reason we started playing matchbox. Well we can drink causally to matchbox… right? Nope. I get screwed over and have to pound half of a Colt 45 (I don’t know why got that). Then it goes from bad to worse.The Everclear came out. If you dont know what Everclear is… check out this, I think it is well explained http://daleswanson.org/stuff/everclear.htm . So for some reason or another we decided just to do one shot (just one shot before bed, Phil requests). Well first man up… Chunder. We all go around. I hurl ,only two of seven didn’t (they felt it in the morning. Yes, I’m drinking with champs. I seriously recommended drinking with British people. Why you ask, well try it yourself.Phil wanted one more, I said fuck you guys I ain’t doing another shot (See what I mean by drinking with Brits). I went to bed hoping to accomplish something tomorrow. Later that night my tent mate came in mumbling jibberish and had no idea how to operate his sleeping bag. I awake to find out that the bottle was basically killed. Also that my friend Brenden was basically passed out in the campsite bathroom, then Phil came along and told him he was going to take care of him (this story is much better with my Cockney mate saying it), but instead of taking him to bed as he would hope, Phil just took him back to the table they were drinking Everclear at (Friendship is a beautiful thing).

The next day I woke up to a KOA staff member apologizing for not providing ashtrays to us (they were seriously way too nice there). The boys took detox a little more seriously this day and started us off with as nice of an English breakfast, the best they could make with shitty Wal-mart ingrediants, then we just shot some BBs at shit (mostly bottles and beetles). Also we took a nice hike in the mountains (well some of us). I love hiking where there is shit to climb and in New Mexico there are rocks every wear so I was in paradise (I’m a child). Then we decided to go watch a movie in Santa Fe and picked the new Pirates of the Caribbean after having a nice meal. Good ol’ Phil fell asleep in the movies, so we left without him and sent a girl in while we hid to tell him we left twenty minutes ago. He was unphased when he found us and told us we missed one of those things at the end of the credits (ahh, Phil). We talked to a girl outside to find something to do and she reccomended going to the Cowgirl.

We show up at the cowgirl and people wear dancing like those crazy inflatable arm guys (I guess thats how New Mexicans dance). The bar tender wouldn’t give us beer at 10 before 12 so we went to a store and they didn’t sell either. So there we were on a Tuesday night with only one beer in our system. How could they?

The next day we start packing up, I go to grab my cooler and bash my head against a branch. I yell FUCK and then touch my head. I feel something weird and start poking it but it doesnt hurt. I get my friends Phil and Russ to look at it. Phil didn’t want to touch it , but Russ (aka Dr. Simpson) jumped right in there. I ask, “is it a tick or something”, he replies hands all in, “if it is its a dead one”. Then he rips it out. Its a stick almost a centimeter long. Blood starts gushing everywhere. The KOA guys come over with a first aid kit and all he says is, “You boys sure party hard”. So we leave the KOA, leaving its grill patio varnished in puke and blood (possibly a little spromit). Maybe we do party a little hard.

Then we went to Ojo Caliente Spas after a Native American Wal-Mart worker recommended the waters with its minerals and healing qualities. We get there and before we can even check in and the manager goes, “It looks like you guys are here for a good time, but I’ll have security at your site.” Shit, you greet everyone like that or just parties of young guys with dried blood crusted in thier hair. We were disappointed because we wanted an actual mountain springs pools, but it was relaxing. Many pools with different minerals and shit like that. After Spaing it up we went back to the site and surprisingly we behaved. Just a few beers and shot BBs at noises in the dark. The next day we’ll be in Vegas…